Caregiving is stressful.  We could pretend it isn’t and it will get easier with time, but that simply isn’t true.  It is hard work and sometimes all you get for your efforts  is criticism.

There is always someone in the family who is left without a chair when the music stops; only this isn’t a children’s game.  It’s real life and it can sometimes be raw and unforgiving. So you’re the person without the chair.  How can you cope?

Here are some tips that come from experiences I have had during the last six months.  As many of you know 2010 has been a devilish year.  A lot of us are looking forward to New Year’s just for the idea of not having to think about 2010 anymore.  It has been that bad.

Many people our ages have lost their jobs. Some of us have dealt with natural disasters, such as the flood we had in Middle Tennessee last May.  Still, we preserve because we have to.  Our care giving goes on 24/7 whether we get help from other family members or not.

1. Caregiving for the elderly is temporary

We forget this, but it’s true.  It won’t last forever.  It can’t. 

I was reminded of this recently while taking my parents out to lunch at Logan’s Roadhouse near the new Vanderbilt Medical Outpatient Facility. I was feeling sorry for myself until a family sat down at the next table.  They had a handicapped child who was in a large stroller.  The child slept through most of the meal as I watched the proud mother stoke the child lovingly.  She may have decades of caregiving ahead of her but she wasn’t complaining.

This also brings up the point there will always be someone worse off than you.  However, in this case, I sensed this mother was counting her blessings.  Her real life angel was resting peacefully  and you really can’t explain that kind of contentment.  

2. Ask for help

Okay, this is the hard part. 

Ask those family members who are “too busy for _____ reasons” to pitch in.  Give them assignments.  Take leadership.

Here’s a sample conversation.

You: “I need someone to stop by and to take Dad to the doctor.  His appointment is for Friday at 8 AM. ”

Brother:  Uh, okay.  I think  I’ll be in town.  I’ll have to rearrange my schedule and you know I’m going to Atlanta, Detroit and maybe  the lake this week. I’ll check with my secretary.”

You: That’s just one of the doctor’s appointments.  I’ve got to take Mother to the eye doctor, Daddy to the skin doctor and I’ve got to go to the dentist.”

Brother:  “Really? All that in one week?”

You: We have to schedule everything in the mornings because Daddy is stronger in the mornings.  He has trouble walking in the afternoons.  You need to talk to the doctor about that.  Plus go over Daddy’s Vitamin D levels and ask about increasing the Calcium and what’s involved with the echocardiogram.  That test will take 2 hours, so give yourself plenty of time.”

Brother: “Maybe I’d better write all of this down.”

You: “Good idea.  There’s a lot to keep up with.”

I know it is not so easy, especially when your brother or sister puts you on voice mail or you have to go through their secretary, but be persistent.  At least you can make them feel guilty.  You can also point out many of the tasks that go into caregiving. 

Because the household is running smoothly, mainly from your efforts, siblings may get the impression it is easy.  Don’t lecture them.  Just assign.  It will be much more effective.

3. Take  up a hobby or do something for yourself

I didn’t think this was important, but I’ve changed my mind.  You’ve got to get your mind off of caregiving, if only for a few hours.  It may help you maintain your sanity through all of this.

Pick a hobby that doesn’t require a lot of expense.  In today’s economic climate you don’t need to take up a craft that will require thousands of dollars.  Keep it simple and fulfilling.  Gardening is good because you  won’t have to spend a lot and it will give you some exercise too.

4.  Remember the Big Picture

You have a big goal.  You want to care for your aging parents.  You want them to be safe, comfortable and possibly as happy as they can be during their last years.   It’s very important because when it is all over, and it will be, you don’t want to be burdened with guilt.

There will be a quiet Sunday afternoon sometime in your future.  It may or may not be raining.  You will be sitting with your thoughts.  Because you cared and you served your parents daily, hourly, you won’t be haunted with regrets.  That may, or may not be true for that brother or sister who didn’t call, stop by or help when things got rough.

 You’ll be the one getting the credit where it counts- from God.

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