There is always someone in the family who is left without a chair when the music stops; only this isn’t a children’s game.  It’s real life and it can sometimes be raw and unforgiving. So you’re the person without the chair.  How can you cope?

Here are some tips that come from experiences I have had during the last six months.  As many of you know 2010 has been a devilish year.  A lot of us are looking forward to New Year’s just for the idea of not having to think about 2010 anymore.  It has been that bad.

Many people our ages have lost their jobs. Some of us have dealt with natural disasters, such as the flood we had in Middle Tennessee last May.  Still, we preserve because we have to.  Our care giving goes on 24/7 whether we get help from other family members or not.

1. Caregiving for the elderly is temporary

We forget this, but it’s true.  It won’t last forever.  It can’t. 

I was reminded of this recently while taking my parents out to lunch at Logan’s Roadhouse near the new Vanderbilt Medical Outpatient Facility. I was feeling sorry for myself until a family sat down at the next table.  They had a handicapped child who was in a large stroller.  The child slept through most of the meal as I watched the proud mother stoke the child lovingly.  She may have decades of caregiving ahead of her but she wasn’t complaining.

This also brings up the point there will always be someone worse off than you.  However, in this case, I sensed this mother was counting her blessings.  Her real life angel was resting peacefully  and you really can’t explain that kind of contentment.  

2. Ask for help

Okay, this is the hard part. 

Ask those family members who are “too busy for _____ reasons” to pitch in.  Give them assignments.  Take leadership.

Here’s a sample conversation.

You: “I need someone to stop by and to take Dad to the doctor.  His appointment is for Friday at 8 AM. ”

Brother:  Uh, okay.  I think  I’ll be in town.  I’ll have to rearrange my schedule and you know I’m going to Atlanta, Detroit and maybe  the lake this week. I’ll check with my secretary.”

You: That’s just one of the doctor’s appointments.  I’ve got to take Mother to the eye doctor, Daddy to the skin doctor and I’ve got to go to the dentist.”

Brother:  “Really? All that in one week?”

You: We have to schedule everything in the mornings because Daddy is stronger in the mornings.  He has trouble walking in the afternoons.  You need to talk to the doctor about that.  Plus go over Daddy’s Vitamin D levels and ask about increasing the Calcium and what’s involved with the echocardiogram.  That test will take 2 hours, so give yourself plenty of time.”

Brother: “Maybe I’d better write all of this down.”

You: “Good idea.  There’s a lot to keep up with.”

I know it is not so easy, especially when your brother or sister puts you on voice mail or you have to go through their secretary, but be persistent.  At least you can make them feel guilty.  You can also point out many of the tasks that go into caregiving. 

Because the household is running smoothly, mainly from your efforts, siblings may get the impression it is easy.  Don’t lecture them.  Just assign.  It will be much more effective.

3. Take  up a hobby or do something for yourself

I didn’t think this was important, but I’ve changed my mind.  You’ve got to get your mind off of caregiving, if only for a few hours.  It may help you maintain your sanity through all of this.

Pick a hobby that doesn’t require a lot of expense.  In today’s economic climate you don’t need to take up a craft that will require thousands of dollars.  Keep it simple and fulfilling.  Gardening is good because you  won’t have to spend a lot and it will give you some exercise too.

4.  Remember the Big Picture

You have a big goal.  You want to care for your aging parents.  You want them to be safe, comfortable and possibly as happy as they can be during their last years.   It’s very important because when it is all over, and it will be, you don’t want to be burdened with guilt.

There will be a quiet Sunday afternoon sometime in your future.  It may or may not be raining.  You will be sitting with your thoughts.  Because you cared and you served your parents daily, hourly, you won’t be haunted with regrets.  That may, or may not be true for that brother or sister who didn’t call, stop by or help when things got rough.

 You’ll be the one getting the credit where it counts- from God.

Traveling with an elderly relative needs a plan.  Just as traveling with children involves extra thought and preparation, so does traveling with seniors.

ABC has a video giving some great tips such as knowing what the elderly person’s normal blood pressure should be,  taking extra copies of prescriptions, knowing who to contact in case of emergency.

A lot of this is common sense but fact is more families have elderly relatives living with them and that means more and more older folks will be going along on the vacations.  This can be fun and entertaining for everyone, but you still need piece of mind so that you’ll be able to handle any situation that may arise.

Check out video Keep Elderly Loved Ones Safe During Travel

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It has been a week since the winds blew and the waters rose, but this little Robin Red Breast has continued to sit on her nest.  It is located at my house underneath the roof near a damaged gutter. 

I’m not sure what kind of fear this mother went through last Sunday but she overcame that in order to protect her young.  She did it selflessly and hung on in spite of the fact that 6 inches of rain fell within 45 minutes at one point.

The basement of the house flooded with two feet of water but the well built house and the well build nest withstood the toughest test either would ever be faced with.

So this is really a tribute to all our mothers who would have done the same thing for us.

That’s important to keep in mind as we return  a portion of that loving care to them.  Sure, it’s hard, very hard at times, but it is also rewarding.  Next time we feel down and in despair because we don’t think we can keep up with the demands of caregiving, or we just feel inadequate, we can think about this bird.  She’s still there caring and protecting as I write this post.

We’re into Day 4 of the infamous Nashville 500 Year Flood and the real hard work begins.

No matter what disaster  is going on you still have aging parents to take care of.  Elder care continues and you have to put them first, before your house, job, tenants, etc.

But what amazes me the most in a disaster such as this one is the way people react.  Some with magnificent resilience, others with pioneer courage and some as squeamish wimps.  We’ve been coming in contact with all three types since Sunday.

Clean up is excruciating.  I have never dealt with mud, water and the general messiness of this magnitude. We’re in the process of cleaning out three basements and it’s painful to have to throw away things that have  a lot of sentimental value such as the tiny red Jeep Power Wheels my nephews received for Christmas, 1989 or my Mom’s Victorian chairs.

Some tenants have offered to help. A Vanderbilt graduate student from Columbia, South America told me he wanted to do what he could for us.  Another  Section 8  tenant reassured us they were okay and not to worry about them.  Everything around them was flooded, except their house.   I have a feeling she is worse off than she’s telling us, but I can’t get out to her area to check on her.

Another tenant, however, rang two of our phones off the hook because even though we got  his basement pumped out in record time, he doesn’t like the smell.  We suggested he move.

Meanwhile mother has back problems and I ‘m very worried.  She doesn’t complain, but we need to get a doctor’s appointment for that next week and work it in somehow with Serve Pro, the AC man, and a paving company.  We’re through with the gas company for now, I hope.

But we’re luckier than a lot of people who are still under water and that includes the Opryland Hotel.  It will probably be months before it reopens. The Grand Ole Opry has moved because the Opry House is also flooded out.

“It a not a place, it’s a show,” The Grand Old Opry manager says.

He right and all we can do is make the best of it for now.

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