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Caregiving Guilt: What Is It?

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Caregiving guilt- what exactly is it?

Is it okay to have caregiving guilt?

What if you feel guilty all the time?

We have received some really good comments about this on a post I wrote called Am I Being Patient Enough?

That post was all about those seemingly minor frustrations that just build and build until you think you're going to lose your mind.

I used the example a friend of mine experienced about an 'outing ' with his parents.

His Mom and Dad walked through some wet paint on a sidewalk even though they had been repeatedly warned not to.

"There was my Dad with his walker with those little tennis balls attached on the ends, sliding through the wet paint," my friend told me.

This brings up a whole lot of issues, but I'll cover the guilt one today.

Is it okay to feel bad about yourself, your parents and your care giving when things go wrong, or even when everything is running smoothly?

Is it okay to feel like you're failing as a caregiver?

Yes.

My friend was ready to pull his hair out. 

Sure, it's okay.  He had good reason to.

In fact, I think it's healthy.

It's one of those things we must work through.  The sooner the better.

Let's face it.  Our parents can be like children- children with about 80-90 years worth of baggage. 

You're not refereeing two eight-year olds fighting over a basketball or trying to figure out how to keep your baby from destroying the Christmas tree. 

We're into the real white water of 'parenting' now.  

I've talked more about this caregiving  issue in today's post in our Aging Parents Community  and I cover some other issues such as what are our real repsonsibilities?

Here's the post- Am I a Good Caregiver?

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  1. 4 Comment(s)

  2. By Cathy Warren on Feb 9, 2009 | Reply

    To all caregivers out there, "Hang in there"!
    What you are doing is so precious. You will be able to look back and say you did a wonderful thing for someone you love. No regrets. Ask for help and research available services to help ease the responsibility. Don't feel guilty. If the caregiver is stressed and tired your loved one will also feel it. It is OK to get help from family, friends and healthcare services. Don't let the stituation get out of hand. Ease that guilt, just ask for help.

    Cathy Warren
    http://www.Over60exchange.com

  3. By admin on Feb 11, 2009 | Reply

    Cathy, asking for help is a very good point.
    We need to be able to do that, and we shouldn't feel guilty.
    -Alice

  4. By Liz on Feb 22, 2009 | Reply

    I had dinner with some high school friends the other night. One's dad had just died, so of course we were talking about our aging parents. One friend asked me, 'will you be sorry when your mother-in-law dies?" NO! Good grief, she's 97. That started a whole discussion on aging parents, a "good" age to die, at what age can we "accept" death, etc. Very good conversation, and of course we covered guilt as well. I had just read this great book about escaping guilt called "Escaping Toxic Guilt." Susan Carrell can see into my soul, is all I can say. It talks about common guilt-inducing situations — and aging parents are right there, we all know. It helps us understand our various sources of guilt (parents, kids, relationships, etc.) and how to get out from under it by understanding it.

    It won't change the situation with your parents. But it will change how you think.

  5. By admin on Feb 25, 2009 | Reply

    Liz, thank you for this thought about guilt.
    Too many of us feel too guilty about the way we care give. We also feel guilty about thinking ahead toward the end.
    Our aging parents will not be with us forever and that's a part of life. It a fact.
    We just need to do what we can for them now and deal with the future as it arrives. All we can really do is live in day tight compartments.

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